How LeBron, Axe & My Sister’s Wedding Helped Fight Cancer
When scans revealed a new tumor (this time in my hip and third recurrence overall) it hit me like a knockout blow. After 2 years of fighting, I had already paid my dues and gone through SO much. I couldn’t imagine another surgery or more toxic chemicals. The news left me a broken man and scared.
My mind plagued me with all I’d miss in the coming year… From heavier things, like leaving my family and missing my sister Jaime walk down the aisle, to more frivolous parts like finally knowing where LeBron would land after all the free agency hype (I’m a huge hoops nerd) and what would happen to Chuck and Axe in the next season of Billions. We’d just finished the prior finale and I wanted answers!
Eventually after the shock faded, I regained composure and thanks to my amazing surgeons, overcame the new hurdles. And guess what? LeBron went to the Lakers, I’m midway through the new Billions season and soaking up every minute with my family… Jaime’s wedding is only a few months away. Pretty fucking awesome. It’s as if all my fear of missing out became the fuel to keep going.
Cancer is filled with stress and uncertainty. That’s a given, which is why it’s important to surround myself with as much joy as possible whether from people, hobbies or interests. I always think of the Seinfeld line when Kramer asks George, “Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?” and better have more to offer than the daily news.
New chances also bring a certain responsibility to appreciate each moment. I’m still trying to find the balance between living my best life and fully committing to the healing process. The elephant is always in the room and throughout all the regimens, my days involve managing intense feelings of fear and isolation. It’s tempting to hop on my phone and connect with the world on social media or distract myself, but then I tend to feel guilty afterwards for not using my time better. Half the time I don’t even know what “better” means, it’s an unfair self criticism.
Each day is full of choices pulling me in different directions and my survival is a result of luck as much as hard work and support. And while I’m still very much in the battle for my life, I’m constantly convincing myself I’ve healed and am a survivor. Acting “as if” feels ballsy and depending on my mood, I’ll either own it authentically or feel like a complete fraud, but I see it as a necessary move along the path to wellness.
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