Riding Out the Blues
After the incredible news of clear scans, you’d think I’d be on cloud nine lately but that just hasn’t been the case… I’ve actually been in quite the funk.
It’s almost as if after the good news, I lost perspective of everything that I’ve gone through and started holding myself accountable to life goals from before cancer. I’ve been feeling incomplete, dealing with an identity crisis and generally unsatisfied with my place in the world — which then makes me angry at myself for not being more grateful of the progress I’ve made. A few years ago, I was given less than 10% to live… Where do I get the nerve for any reaction other than jumping for joy like someone who won the lotto?!
But I feel the way I feel…
It’s always hard to tell exactly how much I should read into a wave of depression. Sometimes it’s about the specific issues running through my head; maybe I’m not happy with how I’ve been handling a project or relationship and really need to consider making changes. Other times though, it’s as simple as just being in a mood where a full night’s rest or change of scenery makes everything seem ok again.
If that doesn’t do the trick, meditation usually helps and I’ll double or triple up my sessions each day. The mindful breathing pulls me away from nagging thoughts and eventually I reach a zen-like state: everything slows down and I see the issues floating in my head like apps on an iPhone. It’s incredibly re-centering but more of a temporary fix than permanent solution. When I’m really going through something, the glow can fade in just a few hours.
I also make sure to keep busy and see friends. It’s nice to hear what’s new in their world and get out of my own head for a while. And sometimes the right conversation can make a big difference. I was reminded a few times this week that we’re all dealing with something… maybe it’s not fighting cancer but life is still really stressful, even when healthy.
There are plenty of other strategies for beating the blues - all you have to do is google… And they can be very helpful. Although, right now, I’m finding that it might be best to just let go. Instead of toughening up or running away, to accept the situation and take things one day at a time.
I’ve learned through the cancer journey that lows make the highs more special. That doesn’t necessarily make it easier to endure- I’m still going through it, still feeling a bit unsettled, and still wish that I could fast forward the seasons to Spring already- but I’m trying to remind myself to see the big picture. The momentum will change soon enough. It always has. I just need to hang in there and keep finding little moments of joy each day until the greater mood shifts again. Sometimes you just have to ride it out.
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