This Time Around
It worked! It really worked.
Leading up to scans this week, I experienced the usual buildup of stress and anxiety. Nothing new there, especially for anyone who’s faced recurrences. But for the first time— whether a result of how hard I work to earn my health every day, or just an aftereffect of receiving good news the past few scans— I also felt the faint sense of a different C word. Confidence.
I even noticed a burst of excitement at one point— a feeling normally inaccessible around scan time.
On Fridays, my wife, Kori, and her best friend schedule happy hour conversations, and while they’re chatting it up all night, I like to kick back and enjoy a movie along with some form of delicious homemade treat (fortunately, Kori enjoys baking during these calls). But right as I was sorting through movie options and getting ready to enjoy myself, the little voice in my head shut it all down.
Steve, what’d you forget about all the times you’ve gotten burned before? Now’s no time for joy. Who knows what’s coming our way next. You need to stay alert and on guard. Gearing up for war…
Thankfully, Kori knocked some sense into me and reminded me not to torture myself like that.
The next day I asked cancer fighters on Twitter about their coping strategies, and reading their answers helped calm me down even more. Some even mentioned a conscious attempt to avoid letting scans ruin their days leading up to it. And so pushing aside all the PTSD that’s built up over the years, I gave this approach a shot— staying loose and diving into books, keeping entertained. The night before scans, Kori and I enjoyed a movie, totally engrossed in the moment, keeping fear out of mind. Acting as if…
Then came the big day, and unlike most occasions where I’m waiting endlessly by my phone afterwards—literally trembling in fear—the hospital called with an update right away. Scans were clear.
It was almost dream-like. And thanks to the new approach, I not only had a better overall experience, I also regained some much needed trust in the universe.
Of course I’m well aware that anything can still happen around the corner, and remain as committed as ever to continued healing, but I’m making sure to soak up what happened here, because if there’s another lesson I’ve learned on my cancer journey, it’s the importance of celebrating wins along the way.
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