Part 1: Turbulence

I was planning on sharing a health tip this week, something tangible to help people. But I kept running into a wall. Thing is, my scan is coming up again soon and the anxiety’s been a bit preoccupying.

I feel great physically. I’ve worked incredibly hard on my health regimens, doing everything in my control at least. But what if that’s not enough?

As the date approaches, my mind has way of becoming increasingly superstitious. Suddenly, every music lyric or movie quote seems to be pointed directly at me. Or my brain plays frustrating games taking everyday mundane occurrences as signs of my fate (if that brown leaf falls to the ground faster than the green one I’m in the clear!)

What’s worse is every day I spend entirely too much energy on affirmations JUST to overcome the doctor’s lack of belief in my survival. I think that’s why I get frustrated with conventional medicine. From my experiences, Oncologists rely entirely on case studies or statistics without even trying to instill any sense of hope. Sometimes it feels like I’m competing to show the doctors wrong and I hate that kind of negative energy. Just like I hate hating cancer.

I want balance, simplicity and peace. Not anger or resentment.

It also works out that my sister’s wedding date is right in line with my next scan. This is emotionally charged for me on many levels. Most importantly, it will be a welcome distraction because there’s nothing I’d rather do than celebrate Jaime and Jordan - two of the most incredible people in my life who have done EVERYTHING for me. I’ve written about how fighting to be around for this day was one of the main things I’ve been looking forward to.

But aside from the general stress of an upcoming scan, it takes me back to my own wedding - the best day of my life. Unfortunately, I had scans right after where I learned of my first recurrence. So naturally there is a sense of déjà vu and I’m struggling to not have my guard up.

My resume these past few years isn’t pretty. Too many recurrences from a rare, aggressive disease. Doctor’s essentially count me out. And yet here’s the most ridiculous part. A big part of my stress each week comes feeling guilty for being home on medical leave. I worry insurance companies will try to come after me or that people judge me even though the reality is I’m physically handicapped and seriously emotionally scarred. For someone who spends so much time on self work, I really seem to paint myself in a corner.

That said, what scares me most is that I’m less locked in to the ‘ready for war’ mindset. These past few months have been so amazing. I’ve felt truly happy and joyful. Grateful for the opportunity to heal myself full time. But if it’s not enough, well that’s a thought that’s harder to bear. The idea of being a guinea pig for some clinical trial really freaks me out. I’ve gotten so in touch with keeping my body clean. It reminds me of a convict screaming “I’ll never go back to jail!”.

Craving a moment of escapism, I recently rewatched Fast and the Furious. There’s a great line where Vin Diesel quotes living life ‘one quarter mile at a time’… It resonated for a second before remembering this is no action movie. Just the real deal cancer life where we live three months at a time. I sure as hell hope to be sharing my journey for decades to come.

** Part 3: How Tarantino, Brad Pitt & Rick Rubin Helped Me Fight Cancer

Cancer LifeSteveAugust 13, 2019