Spacing Out: Ad Astra and Life with Cancer
This weekend, joined again by my good buddy/movie comrade, Jamie, I went to see Ad Astra, Brad Pitt’s new space travel thriller. This one was more of a slow burn that we both ultimately enjoyed.
As I got lost in the story, I couldn’t help but feel a few connections between my own recent experiences and the movie’s version of “astronaut life in the near future”. Take how before missions, Pitt’s character underwent evaluations using some modern technology (think Fitbit meets Siri with a lie detector) to ensure his ability to perform. The routine of monitoring your heart rate, quality of sleep and mood is one cancer fighters quickly get used to from all the doctor appointments. At times, it can feel like you’re nothing more than a science experiment but in situations where failure isn’t an option, you really have to be on top of the details.
Ad Astra also kept highlighting how much these astronauts must sacrifice. I’ve found the same need to operate with extreme tunnel vision. Every day, life has been about maintaining my strict diet, supplements and holistic regimens- all while keeping my head on straight throughout constant waves of anxiety, depression and uncertainty. Any time you’re ‘all in’, it limits what you have to give to other areas.
But what resonated with me most was more of an emotional aspect. People generally respect both astronauts and cancer fighters. And feelings of being highly regarded, even praised along your journey never get old. Except what happens as time moves on and the reality begins to set in? When you realize this is what you’ve been signed up for and maybe you’re kind of over it. Unlike astronauts, cancer fighters never had a choice.
I remember sitting outside during summer nights while recovering from one of many surgeries. The weather was perfect and everyone around me had that look in their eyes, knowing the night had full potential. Maybe they were going out for a nice dinner, headed to pregame with friends, or dressed their best for a blind date. I’d scan around from person to person, coming up with these stories. Anything to escape the terrifying scenarios that haunted my own mind.
Then, once foot traffic slowed, I’d look up towards the stars. Always so vast and peaceful. It made me wonder what else was out there. Surely, there had to be other life or some greater context because I didn’t know if I’d make it even another few months and NEEDED to believe this wasn’t all there was…
The astronauts in Ad Astra may not have been faced with life threatening illnesses, but fundamentally, they craved the stars for just the same reason.
The search for more.
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