Finding the Pockets
It all happened so fast!
For almost 10 years, I worked at a fast paced office in Midtown NYC, full of friends and non-stop action. After the diagnosis, I was treated at Memorial Sloan Kettering, where in the same way, the steady traffic of doctors, nurses and other patients left little room for down time. And now, for the past few years, I’ve been at home on medical leave, fully committed to my self-healing regimens.
Talk about a change of pace. Once Kori leaves for work, it’s just Penny and I alone at the apartment. All day. And while it’s pretty easy for me to keep busy- health routines take up most of the day and I’m lucky to enjoy solo activities like playing guitar, Xbox and reading- it was only a matter of time before I began to wonder, “Is this it?”
Why can’t we bottle the feeling from our darker days to keep things in perspective? Like every time fear had it’s foot pressed against my throat, where I would’ve traded anything for even a moment of peace. I still have to constantly remind myself that I’ve gone through major changes and am extremely lucky to be in as good shape as I am today. But that’s what happens when you’re figuring out a new identity.
Some of the unsettlement also probably stems from the isolation and anxiety. Part of why I love seeing movies at the theater is because I get to share reactions with the crowd and completely immerse in the experience. I’m no longer the cancer guy. It’s the same with writing at the local cafe. I’ll throw on my headphones, grab a tea and feel just like anyone else working remotely.
I even started working out again. I’d been worried about the fragility of my body, especially with bone cancer, but it felt great to work up a sweat. It reminded me why gym life was always a big part of my world. It wasn’t about getting jacked. It was my chance to release stress, enjoy my music and finally hear myself think. Take it from me, after enough hours, nothing is more piercing than the silence of an empty apartment.
Fortunately, the movies, cafe and gym have provided the crucial sense of normalcy I’ve craved, while also helping me regain some much needed independence.
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