I Get Around (but not as easily)

"Can they operate?" It's one of the first questions after detecting a malignancy.

I've been fortunate that all my tumors have been able to be removed but the reality is the surgeries have taken a toll on my body. Since 2016, I've had my right femur removed, 5 lung procedures, and this past summer I had a partial left hip replacement.

With the nerve damage I need assistance from a crutch or walker, and I've been told never to run again. I also have to sleep with a pillow between my legs, which isn't really a big deal but just another item on the to-do list. In the words of the late, great Biggie Smalls, "Things done changed".

For as long as I can remember, the gym was a great way for me to blow steam, get out the apartment and feel like part of society... but my body isn’t up for the task at this point. These days my exercise goal is 20 minutes of slow walking, an activity packing all the ferocity of driving Miss Daisy - which sadly still seems harder than it should.

Live music is one of my true joys in life, but now I try to avoid standing venues because of all the soreness afterwards. Sometimes just THINKING about how I'm going to get around or catch up on errands is exhausting. Everything takes more work.

At 33 years old, an age most people consider the prime of their lives, it would be easy to get lost in feelings of self pity. It takes consistent effort to reach a place of acceptance. When I get frustrated, I try to remind myself that I didn't choose these circumstances, but I still have amazing things to wake up and live for and this is what comes with the gig. And of course I recognize there are people dealing with more severe conditions. That usually curbs the sting. And if not, there's always ‘medical’ marijuana.

Also, when they see you're handicapped, people are way nicer. It's one of the few perks and you're crazy if you think I don't milk that as much as possible!

The physical changes have been an adjustment that even still I'm not sure I've fully wrapped my head around. In the back of my mind I wonder if I were to ramp up physical therapy would things go back to normal? Or does my body just need more time to heal? I guess we'll see. Either way, it seems like I'll always be on a different playing field than before.