One Hell of a Ride
A little over a year ago, after we detected new nodules in both lungs and without an effective treatment available, I called a time out.
I had to regroup and check in with my intuition. It led me to embark on a very aggressive holistic healing campaign, some of which was discussed in It's Kind Of Like.
After months and months of obsessive commitment, I began to look and feel great. If you saw me on the street, you would never think I was battling a life threatening disease and given only a few years to live.
Along the way, I signed up for Citi Bike, figuring it would offer more exercise and a fresh perspective of Manhattan. It was a nice change of pace until one day I noticed it hurt getting on and off the bike. Next thing I knew, I had developed a serious limp. A few days later, I needed assistance to walk.
An MRI revealed my greatest fear - it was another tumor and already enough damage was done that had I continued to put full weight on my leg it could have snapped like a twig (cringe...). This was one of the most devastating moments yet. Realizing that after so much dedication, with all my chips on the table, it STILL wasn't enough.
My Orthopedic Surgeon would be able to successfully remove the tumor - not a long term solve for the bigger picture, but a necessary and fortunate move to extend my quality of life. It would be a grueling recovery, pushing me to my limits. That was the first time it sunk in that I wasn't as mobile anymore and my days would be dramatically different.
For weeks, I went without more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, in constant discomfort and not enough strength to leave my apartment. It got to the point where just the sight of TV made me sick and I reached a new height of depression. Fortunately, my mother-in-law was staying with us at the time and she patiently coached me back to sanity.
Things eventually got better, and riding that wave of momentum, I scheduled more scans. Results were less than stellar. One nodule had grown 10x and was right by my chest wall - any closer and I would have experienced pain and difficulty breathing. The scariest part being we weren't sure if it was operable.
After weeks of extreme stress and not knowing what the future held, we met aThoracic Surgeon who miraculously confirmed we could remove the nodules from both lungs. It was also fortunate that during this year without any chemo or clinical trials, the nodules hadn't spread even further. Credit the holistic work?
As I type, I am recovering from these back to back surgeries. I am worn out physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm also grateful for having been able to operate and the support I've received from family and friends. But you'll have to understand my guard remains firmly up. Since being diagnosed, I haven't gone longer than 3 months without a new recurrence. The best I can offer myself is cautioned optimism. I pray every day for that to grow into genuine confidence of a longer term future - but only time will tell.
For now, it's been one hell of a ride.