The Flood Gates
Stagnation’s a word that’s been on my mind lately.
First off, it’s a real “healthy person’s problem”. During my darker days, I would’ve killed for the luxury of feeling well enough where stagnation was anywhere close to making my list of possible worries. So it’s pretty amazing that I’ve reached a point of taking notice. Over the past few years, I’ve worked my ass off on the quest for wellness and have been blessed with clear scan results. My guard will always be up, but at the same time, you have to begin trusting the world again at some point, right? If there’s a better approach, I’m all ears!
Meanwhile, I recently shared how I’m trying to find my edge again. As a guy raised by an adoring and always complementary Jewish mom, I had fairly healthy self-esteem growing up. But cancer is truly the great humblelizer. Nothing brings you down a few notches like forced baldom (it’s losing the eye brows that really hurts!), having your face morph into an alien-like figure from steroids and poisonous cocktails…. And if that’s not enough, try spending a month bedridden after surgery at the hospital, where you’re relying on nurses to help you on and off a commode each day. It’s always the cute ones who happen to be available right at that time too, just to really max out your level of embarrassment.
In addition to all the trauma from treatment, there’s also the shocking realization of how fast time can fly by while you’re lost in your own world of day-to-day survival. Now that I’ve begun to feel healthier, I’m trying to work on feeling like a man again, or more specifically, as close to a capable and providing husband as possible. Kori and I have changed roles over the years. She’s now the breadwinner, which has been crucial for our survival and I couldn’t be prouder of her, but as someone who spent years building a career and earning on his own, relying on my wife is a bitter pill to swallow. I’m working on contributing in other areas but can’t help notice how much I’m falling short of an ideal balance. I guess with relationships, you’re supposed to focus on what matters most: your love for one another, as well as seeing the best in and building each other up. When hard times come around, supporting your partner just comes with the territory. But let me tell you, from my experience, it feels way better to be in the position of helping rather than relying on support!
I tend to feel safest in being able to control my environment at home. At the same time, all the healing regimens that I believe have contributed to my recovery have also become a prison of sorts. It’s not entirely clear which are producing what results, all I know is that it’s been working, and naturally, I’m afraid to rock the boat.
But you’ve got to start somewhere. Shortly after New Years, Kori nudged me to pick a theme for 2020. I went with abundance, hoping that it would help free my mind from so many limitations. Limitations, like how when unexpected plans come my way, I experience pre-anticipatory anxiety over uncontrollable factors. Whether or not any of this is reasonable, it’s hard to enjoy life this way and I know I can be better.
Since my last share, I’ve gone off on a “yes” binge. It started with rallying a few friends to meet at the studio for a jam session. Then, I had my first therapy session in years. At my last haircut, we switched up the cut a bit. And most recently, I decided to work on writing my first book.
Once I opened the flood gates, it didn’t take long for me to feel overwhelmed. There’s a lot coming at once. For Kori, and most people out in the real world, this is normal, run-of-the-mill life stuff. But I’m not in game shape yet and also have to be mindful of not risking a recurrence. There’s a healthy balance somewhere and if I can take on more after years of the same routines in the same suffocating apartment, then I want to reap the rewards of a life worth living. If I truly am blessed with the healthy person’s choice, I’d rather not to settle for stagnation.
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